I love to read of peoples journey with infertility. It gives me strength and courage to go through it myself. I have not kept it a secret from anyone but I don't share it openly like on face book. I also have not been recording it on my blog, but I am hoping that sharing my story might help some one some where.
2008
CJ and I decide it is time to start a family after being married for 6 months. We prayed about it and went to the Temple and thought it would be best to start trying, but I don't think either of us knew it would be a journey.
In August 2008 we got our first negative pregnancy test and I was not to surprised, we had only been off birth control for 2 months I just figured it would take longer for it to leave my system. So we kept trying. By November I was a little worried. My periods had become irregular and we were still getting negative tests. So I made an appointment with our family physician. She asked all the normal questions and drew some blood. Then she informed me I was just to stressed out and it would happen when it was suppose to. I was not quite comfortable with this answer, but I figured doctor knows best. So we continued to try.
2009
We began the year with just trying and I found out many of the girls I was close to and became friends with had fertility problems and kept telling me something was not right with my cycle and I needed to see a specialist. I kept putting it off, not only was CJ and I working and attending school full time, My insurance probably wouldn’t cover to much. School Districts really don’t want teachers to get pregnant... But I finally gave in about October. We went in to Prescott Women’s Clinic to see Dr. Ohenesian. I had heard from a close friend he was great and very supportive. So in October we did a few blood tests and then a vaginal ultra sound. The blood test came back fine, but the ultra sound showed I did have cysts on my ovaries. I wasn’t sure what that really meant and how to “cure” it.
2010
Early 2010 Dr. Ohenesian finally sat down with me and told me there is no cure for Poly-cystic ovaries, we would just have to take precautionary measures when I wasn’t pregnant to keep them small. Then he told me I had three options: 1) Go on birth control for three months and then pull off, to shock my system; 2) Use Clomid (ovulation drug with crazy side effects) or 3) just keep trying. Well I started off small, we went with birth control.
By this time we knew CJ would be joining the Navy in September and that I was going to have to quit teaching, which meant our insurance would disappear in June. I was quite upset and felt like we would never figure out what we were going to do and if we would ever get pregnant. I don’t know how many nights I cried myself to sleep.
After we arrived in South Carolina I finally got in to see my doctor on base in December and she gave me a referral to an outside (off Base) OB-GYN.
2011
In March I got an appointment with Dr. Sutton. I was so nervous and really did not want to start everything over, but because it had been so long since labs had been done I had to do all the blood tests again, but this time she ordered a semen analysis and a hysterosalpingogram (HSG), which is a dye x-ray of my tubes. This was the first one these two, but I was glad it was being done. I was not very pleased with this doctor, I only saw her twice but all she could do was talk down to me about my weight and she never explained anything to me about the plan of action. Thankfully the Doctor for my HSG told me everything was ok and the nurse at the OB office told me the semen analysis was fine as well. Then Dr. Sutton put me on a newer medication called Letrezole or Fermara. It is used for post menopausal beast cancer patients, but they also found it helps ovulation with out the side effects of Clomid. She also put me on Metforman to help keep my insulin levels at a lower level. Women with PCOS have higher Insulin levels which makes it harder to lose weight. I thought I was doing good moving forward with my trial, but then I joined a Military spouse infertility page and was reading some of their doctors visits and found their doctors were really watching their cycles. Dr. Sutton told me when to take the meds, when to take an ovulation test and then when to call her. She would then bump up the dosage of Letrezole and the cycle would repeat. Nothing seemed to happen, I had been on the medication for three months and she only wanted to try it for five. On the fourth month she brought me in for an ultra sound and the Tech nurse told me I ovulate later than most women. URG I was so pissed. I had been testing a week and a half early pretty much missing my window. So for the final month on Letrezole I waited to test and still did not get my answers. During all of this I spoke only to a nurse about everything never did see Dr. Sutton.
I had a friend tell me about Southeastern Fertility Clinic in Charleston so I asked for a referral there! I knew it probably meant starting over again, but I was hoping it would be with someone who actually knew what they were doing.
2012
Finally at the end of January I got an initial appointment at Southeastern, and they wanted CJ to come with. Up till now I had not really included CJ, he just heard from me what had happened and I never realized til then that I had shut him out of an issue that we really both had to deal with. So I felt so much better having him there. I love my new doctor Dr. Patton. He is amazing! He drew us a detailed picture of what was happening and why it was happening. Then we went in and did an ultra sound and he said that only one of my ovaries was PCOS the other was perfectly fine. He then told us what he would like to do, since being on Letrezole alone was not working then we would be more aggressive and monitor my cycle. I didn’t know what to think, Dr. Patton was talking to CJ and I like we were adults and he was educating us instead of talking down to us. So after talking to Dr. Patton we decided to do an Intrauterine insemination cycle (IUI). We would cause a period then start Letrezole. I would have day three labs done and an ultrasound to see how my body is working. after that I would wait til day 11 to go in for another ultra sound and see what my progress was, well I really was not developing follicles very well and so we just continued to ovulation test for about two weeks and finally on March 2nd we did received a positive test. SO we went in to Dr. Patton’s and had an IUI done. Now we are waiting to take a pregnancy test. Takes time just like anything else.
That was the technical side, if you don’t want to hear about my feelings you should probably stop reading NOW!
When this all started I really wasn’t sure how to feel, but I did get a lot of remarks along the lines of it just isn’t time or isn’t our time. I usually just nodded and walked away. I don’t event hink my mom knew how to comfort me, or at least I didn’t think she did or an other person who never had difficulties getting pregnant. The first year did not really bug me about pregnant people and seeing them or talking to them, but then after two years and family members getting pregnant who were still kids themselves, I started to become bitter. Never to any ones face or to any of the family, but at home and with CJ I was. I was mad and could not understand why I was being punished. I had done everything right, graduated college, married a great guy, and had a great career. What was I doing wrong. I kept it in and let it build and build then when CJ worked late or worked on a Saturday I cried. I cried myself to sleep, I cried while watching movies, taking a shower, driving to work, sitting outside. I seemed to always cry. My heart felt heavy, I felt like there was one piece of life I just couldn’t have and probably never would. Then last year every one was pregnant, both sister in laws, cousins, friends, new people in our ward, and every other girl on base! Oh I couldn’t handle it. Every one wanted me to attend baby showers, every one wanted to talk about their babies. I just wanted to pull my hair out and scream in their faces, “SHUT UP! I DON”T CARE THAT YOU CAN GET PREGNANT WHEN EVER YOU WANT!” It was a poison just waiting to slip off my tongue and some times it did. I couldn’t help it. I pretty much hit the bottom. I prayed and I fasted and I went to the Temple, but it all seemed to be for nothing. Other prayers and blessing were in our lives and I saw past them because the one I wanted wasn’t being answered.
I then got involved with an infertility support group and read some of there blogs and realized I could have it much worse. When I was having a bad day I told them and they gave me ways to relax and let it pass.
I knew I was not sitting right with my heart and when CJ and I went to talk to the Bishop about our Tithing settlement we told him what we were going through with infertility and I just felt like I need a blessing from him and CJ. I was so thankful I said something. I had never felt the Spirit so strong and I never felt like He was talking directly to me since I got my Patriarchal Blessing. He had said He heard my prayers and when I was at the Temple He was there with me. He knew how I was feeling and that I would be a mother just keep believing He will be my strength. I felt so amazing, I felt like I could get through this I could with Christ there by me. Since then I have been trying hard to remember there is a plan for me and He knows how strong I can be and He will hold my hand through it all!
So here I am still alive, but a better person and living day by day just thankful for the blessing I do have. I do count my blessings every day knowing Christ is with me and will always be if I keep myself worthy!
